Personal Best

I usually do a "By the numbers" on Facebook as they are usually written with with a comedic slant, and I'm enough of an attention whore that I want enough people to read it that will tell me how much they enjoy my writing and then that is my mental chocolate chip cookie for a few months. However, SavMil has a very small audience. Smart, dangerous and cool, yes, but also small. And this blog isn't for everybody, it is very much about my journey through life, my work on myself, and whatever tiny musings I might have. A personal account with no sarcastic half-wits bringing it down.

But I ramble.

So, I thought I would do a BTN on SavMil about personal things. Good, bad, I don't know yet. I suppose I will steer this boat into the iceberg-infested waters and find out.

By The Numbers:

Number of times I've been rejected by a woman in 2012: Three
Actual number of women that have actually rejected me: Zero
Number of "He's really a sweet guy." my sister was told by one of those three: A 'few'
Number of dates with Racist Carol: One
Number of times Racist Carol said something racist on that date: Twice
Number of times I cried while watching Dumbo with my nieces: Shut up
Number, in dollars, I've loaned to friends/family this year: $2,050
Number, in dollars, I've been paid back so far: Nothing
Percentage of how bothered I am of that: Zero percentage, +/- 3% margin of error
Odds of Han Solo successfully navigating an asteroid field: 3,720 to 1
Odds of any future Star Wars property being good: 19,000,000,000 to 1
Number of Felicia Day fan-fictions I've written: Haha! Where.. where did you hear that? Not me!
Number of times my sister was assaulted by a crazy boyfriend: Once, that I know of
Number of holes I want to put into said crazy (now ex-)boyfriend: Many.
Number of days we have left with the people we love: Not enough

Hope eternal, the phoenix rises

Self-pity begat depression. Depression begat self-reflection. Self-reflection begat internal upgrades. Internal upgrades begat external upgrades. External upgrades begat change as a whole. This change has made me realize that I am a decent person. I can finally love myself.

Not that way, you sicko.

Loving myself let me be funny and open again. And that begat happiness. The kind of happiness that can only come from within. And with that change and happiness, my little inner light shined. And I wasn't the only one.

As more develops, I'll open up more about it. Really looking forward to writing again.

Shine, you little light, shine.

Prescription-Strength Passion, Over-the-counter Judgement

PROLOGUE

She was my first love. Flaxen-hair, sea-blue eyes, a smile that made strong men weak. Although she was younger than I, she had walked a hundred miles before I had even taken my first step. She would let me get close, but couldn't help but push me away. Passing by in the hallway, a brief brushing of hands was cause for heart palpitations. A quick glance from across the room was enough to let the air out of my lungs. A silver forked tongue that tasted like strawberries.

CURRENT DAY

How does one let the past go, when the past is seemingly all they have? Does it take a masochistic individual to relive their past failures so much that all the current events have no place in an idyllic setting? Perhaps. I know that I am too close to the fire to see that my flesh is burning.

I don't like to throw pity parties. I tend to make too much food and no one ever shows up. And then I put on "My Special Day at Pathetictown" hat, blow into a paper noise maker and then wonder what to do with all this dip. A friend recently set me straight about the way I've been acting. I've been a fool to not see that maybe she was not the one pushing away. I have allowed my faults to overshadow my desire for happiness.

REFLECTION

She has moved on with her life. The man she said she would marry next was let go and someone more suitable to her tastes took his place. This is not a bad thing. Plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. If I may be allowed to quote from L.A. Love Story, "There is someone out there for everybody. Even if you need a compass, a pickaxe and night goggles to find them." The phoenix can't be reborn in one day, the natural instincts that have led it down it's path have gravitas and will take a while to remap. 

The sun sets. The sun rises. Equivalent exchange.

Bitter Ramblings

Found my old blog on here, I can't manage it with the email I used to set up the SavMil so I will just have to link to it. Read this if you want to see how a guy in his early 30's can talk out his hindquarters.

New & Improved, Same As Before

In adulthood, as also in adolescence, we have fear. Fear of what others may think, fear of our own action (or inaction), fear of repercussions, fear of being alone, fear of bearing witness to horrible things, fear of our own selves. For as much as we would like to think we live in the moment and take life as a present and hold sacred all that we are given, the truth is that many of us are controlled by fear.

I am such a person.

I do not like this aspect about myself, and I have witnessed other's struggle with this as well. To break free, to punch through, to set a course for sunny days and sun-dappled meadows is a dream, but we hold ourselves back. I am guilty of holding on to things I have done that the offended party has long since forgotten about and yet I carry the weight of this invisible, featherlight cross. Why do we as people do this to ourselves? Do we believe we do not deserve happiness? That we are somehow incapable of holding on to something pure and wholesome lest we pass our corruption unto it?

I, and by 'I' I mean men in general, tend to put the things we love on a pedestal. The women we love, the father we can never get the approval from, the emotionally distant artistic friend, whatever it is that we see a bit of ourselves in and want to be a part of, something great. We want to part of something that we believe we cannot obtain.That this great, awesome thing is so far beyond our reach, but only because we have put it there.

This pedestal, you see, is fragile and far to tall for it's purposes, built with unrealistic expectations and pipe dreams. Anything we place upon it is incapable to living up to the majesty that we have crowned it with. The beautiful woman who is 'perfect' may have the same fears and neurosis as the homely woman that envies her. The student with the 4.0 gpa has the same fear of failure as one with a 2.8. The lonely man with no family has the same fear of dying alone as a the grandfather with a young child on his knee.We are all more alike that we might think. I don't know how to fix this, but I know it starts with me. And it starts with you. We all have our journey and it's going to be filled with pain and sorrow and some really horrible things. But also joy, and happiness and some really kick-ass people to help you get over those really horrible things.

Plus there is tiramisu and that is just awesome.